The opposite of fear is love

So many things, but the biggest one is that I'm freaking worn out. Allergies, not enough sleep, I dunno. I decided today that I need to get my eating under control. I've been eating somewhat healthier, but just too much, and the chips continue to thwart me. I just downloaded a calorie counter onto my phone to help me keep track. I'm not trying to be on a diet, but my weight keeps creeping up and I don't feel good.

I'm also a bit too busy dreaming about the Fairie Festival for my own good. I've been mooning around reading Buffy, watching Game of Thrones, and planning our camping supplies. Though I haven't figured out my Tutu Friday costume yet. I can't seem to motivate myself to do any house cleaning after I get home from work, make dinner, play with Elyse and put her to bed, and then clean up after dinner. Just have nothing left.

Things have been stressful at work too, because of an unfortunate and difficult personnel issue that I had to be deeply involved with. Ugh. It was mostly resolved last week, but my nerves have not yet recovered. I need a week off SO BADLY.

After an amazing time at Art of the Belly, I'm refocusing this week. All the shows I was in went so well! I couldn't be more pleased. And all my friends were so Great to watch. I just freaking love bellydance right now and am so grateful for the supportive community.

This morning, though, I woke up at my usual practice time of 5 am and had to clean! I scubbed both bathrooms and the kitchen floor. My house is always kinda messy, but it's actually dirty right now, which I can't stand. Too distracted by an overflowing plate at work and dance stuff. And I've been too tired after coming home in the evening to do more than flop after taking care of Elyse.

Also, FF! I'm working on my to-do list, finalizing Chautauqua plans, thinking about the Transcedence Tribal set, and what my tutu Friday costume is going to be. Elyse asks every day if we're going to Fairie Festival. Can't wait to have her there. And my brother and his family are coming for the first time. Yay!

Oh, and last night I watched the first episode of Game of Thrones. Can't say I'm overly impressed so far. Are you a fan? Does it get awesome? Seems pretty schlocky so far.

Yes, I'm thinking of my summer dance plans one day before Spring begins. I'm a bit batty.

Mostly, I've been thinking about what to do with myself during the three months break that Latifa takes during the summer. At first, I was thinking about going to Piper's new classes. But I've decided to instead dig in a little deeper with my tribal improv practice, both duet with Jenn, and separately with any other lovely dancing ladies who'd like to get in some extra-TT fun. I'm your gal!

After going to Lacey's tribal fusion/improv classes in Florida, I'm newly inspired to integrate some sassy, interesting moves I learned from her, and learning the new formation variations from the FCBD DVD.

Over the last week, I've decided to do some things to take better care of myself and be more focused on what I enjoy (rather than being distracted by the internet at home, for instance).

I'm on a "no chip challenge." Potato and tortilla chips are my primary nemesis. Especially when I'm unhappy about something ongoing thing in my life. My challenge is not to eat any, except perhaps in limited social situations, through Art of the Belly. Usually, that alone does wonders for my love handles. We shall see. It is going well so far. I have been trying to watch my portion sizes too, but other than that, not really changing anything.

On another front, I've been finding that although bellydance is a fun, inspiring, creative process, and for me social, since I'm in two troupes and love to go to community events, the truth is that gardening is more consistently spiritual and healing to me. I'm intentionally setting aside time for gardening this year. If I have to pour bug spray on myself each time I venture outside, so be it! For Elyse too. Sometimes the mosquitos keep me from wanting to go outside at all. I just have to accept bug spray as a necessary evil, because being outside, playing in the dirt, and fussing about the flowers is just good for my soul. And we'll be growing some berries this year too.

Last night, I broke open my new seed starting kit (I'd given my old one away to Anne a couple years ago), and sowed Impatiens for my front flower boxes, Strawflowers for a back bed (I'm going to dry them with Elyse for decorating in the house), and microgreens for eating tiny salads. My history with seed starting is not so great with the transferring to outside, but here's hoping I can make my thumb a little greener.

Sowing the tiny seeds last night felt so calming. And it is super fun to watch Elyse try to be careful with the seeds and have her hands covered in soil.

Hey y'all! A little early morning this n that...

* I'm going for a long weekend starting tomorrow with my MIL, SIL, and Elyse to Bakersfield CA, for the bridal shower for a cousin of Adam's who I've never met. Sorta kinda looking forward to it, but the timing at work is bad. With me luck on the 6 hour plane ride with a toddler!

* Go marriage equality in MD!

* Seems like I've finally figured what I'm soloing to at AotB. Tried out a new piece at Latifa's class party and it went over well. It's an interesting fusion of ATS, tribal fusion moves and presentation, Jamila moves, Latifa drama, and Piper floor work. And of course, Piper's dancing is heavily influenced by Jamila through Piper's mom Rhea. The piece feels like a fun, big happy family and cones together in a style that feels really good to me. And I bought an insane headpiece from Minxes Trinkets that I'm going to build my outfit around. Yay!

During yesterday's bizarrely warm weather, I got out in the garden for a bit. So nice. I pruned my perennials, and cleared weeds and brush in a bunch of places, in particular my perennial herb bed.

I decided I'm going to make that one a little fairy garden for Elyse and I to decorate together. It already had an "herb garden" sign. And yesterday I moved my big fairy sculpture underneath the 10-year-old Sage plant. The bed also has old Rosemarys and Thyme. And a bird bath!

It needs a Lavender or two, since I had to take out ancient ones that were in the giant bed I removed, and I'm not sure whether any of the cuttings I gave away survived. 

Then I'm going to plant low-growing Lime Thyme around the sides of the bed. It is going to smell SO GOOD. It needs tiny bells that hang from the sturdier herb stems. Hmm....

I've been completely absorbed - yet reading slowly - Martha's Graham's autobiography, "Blood Memory". Fascinating and inspiring! So interesting that one of the greatest dancers and choreographers ever didn't begin to study dance until she was a teenager, yet she was always an especially observant child, interested in movement and the play of light in space and on the body. Truly, there is dance technique and practice, but there is also feeding of the mind, heart and soul that are equally important in dance expression.

I grew up watching a lot of dance when I was little. My parents love ballet and modern dance (and bellydance now). We watched TV specials of Alvin Ailey and the American Ballet Theatre in particular. We went to the Kennedy Center regularly and lots of other performance spaces to see dance. My mother was in love with Baryshnikov! I think I was in love with Gelsey Kirkland. But I took almost no dance when I was child, because from the very beginning I was terrified to perform. I was a gymnast instead. Competing just feels very different than performing. You don't have to give as much of your Self.

Yet, I loved to watch dance, think about it, dream about it. I'm no Martha Graham!!! Of course, no one is ever anyone else. But it is heartening to me, and likely to many of my fellow bellydancers who came to the practice and performance of dance relatively late in life, that the wealth of thoughtful, joyful, reflective, and even difficult experiences we've had doing a million other things, to Martha, is all related to how and who you are as a dancer.

Or as an artist of any kind, even an artist of simply living!

At the gentle nudging of my wonderful teacher, Latifa, my bellydance goals this year are much more specific. Imagine, bite-sized, measurable goals. 2012, here I come!

GOALS
* Improve my understanding of music: Be able to recognize 5 Middle Eastern rhythms
* Improve my zills skills: Be able to zill to each of the 5 rhythms
* Improve my ability to be present and attuned to the music when dancing: Consistently start practice with improv practice, using techniques like moving slowly, or every other beat, or recognizing vocals etc.
* More fully integrate the moves I already know: Intentionally use moves from RB/Jamila/Latifa/Bella when I practice improv
* Develop skill in veil: Perform at least twice with veil

Finally, I got to do a bit of yoga and bellydance practice this morning. I haven't practiced for a full week because of this massive head cold I'm still struggling with. I honestly can't remember the last time I've missed a whole week of any kind of practice, and I was happy to ease back into it. Made possible by the huge medicine cabinet pumping through my veins right now and making me feel crazy, including prednisone. When will it end?!

Lilam is debuting two new choreos on Sunday at the Delaware hafla. Yay! Now, I gotta make sure I know them ;-)

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals for 2012, primarily dance goals, which I'll post about soon. I usually don't hold much truck with resolutions per se. Like losing weight, or whatever. And the dance resolution to practice every day this year, um, didn't happen. And I'm fine with that.

But I've been feeling motivated by a few things, and remembering an intention I did make last year to live my life with a more open heart and with more passion. I've done those things in some important ways over the last year and I can feel the difference. I'll post more on that soon too.

My new resolution is to not waste any food. Seems a small intention, but for me it is suddenly feeling very big. I'm wasteful, often throwing away food that I've made because I've eaten something else, or because I've opened something and waited to long to eat it.

As I've written before, I've become more and more attuned to issues of hunger locally and around the world, and I feel like making a decision to not waste food is something small I can do that will also help me be more conscious of food production and consumption issues. Plus, the experience of not always eating whatever is my whim at any given moment might help me understand better what so many people in the world face -- not a lot of choice in what they eat.

I've still got it easy, since the food I eat is all something I wanted at some point, but still I like the intention.